Janis Joplin and Grace Slick
One of my goals in thinking about redefining the way we view relationships is to try to treat the people I date more like I treat my friends—try to be respectful and thoughtful and have boundaries and reasonable expectations—and to try to treat my friends more like my dates—to give them special attention, honor my commitments to them, be consistent, and invest deeply in our futures together. In the queer communities I’m in valuing friendship is a really big deal, often coming out of the fact that lots of us don’t have family support, and build deep supportive structures with other queers. We are interested in resisting the heteronormative family structure in which people are expected to form a dyad, marry, have kids, and get all their needs met within that family structure. A lot of us see that as unhealthy, as a new technology of post-industrial late capitalism that is connected to alienating people from community and training them to think in terms of individuality, to value the smaller unit of the nuclear family rather than the extended family. Thus, questioning how the status and accompanying behavior norms are different for how we treat our friends versus our dates, and trying to bring those into balance, starts to support our work of creating chosen families and resisting the annihilation of community that capitalism seeks.
Dean Spade, http://makezine.enoughenough.org/newpoly2.html
there is this line from this Israeli poet Yehuda Amichai that my old roommate & I used to quote to each other all the time: “Love is not the final room. There are other rooms.” it took years of quoting that line for me to really internalize its lesson. which for me isn’t so much that there is something beyond love as that love isn’t just one thing.
I found a romance that worked for me, & after many years immersed in it I finally started seeing the family & friend-family who had been there all along. & only when I really recognized the complex of relationships, the myriad loves in my life, could I let go the idea of monogamous possession, which I had “never” “believed in,” which I cerebrally “knew” was connected to fucked-up gender norms (yes, boy howdy, even in my relationships with women). & now there is no endpoint, there’s no ideal to move toward, there’s no right answer, there’s no answers at all. it’s all just happening.
this cat is such a wonder.
plaid socks? yes please.
I have bangs and like short hair cats, but otherwise this is pretty much just me.
MAKE TEA NOT LOVE